Can't a girl just get a little bit of cuddling?

It may be a little early to be lamenting but I woke up this morning at 6:10 AM to the very sweet janitor vacuuming the 3rd floor of the library where I had pushed three chairs together to create a bed last night. I started off with my Organic Chem book open to make it seem like I had fallen asleep while being studious, but in actuality I was just free loading and too lazy to go back to my apartment just for the act of falling asleep, waking up, and coming right back. At some point in the night I gave up on the facade of dedicated student, ditched the book, and curled up in a little ball. It was much better.

It really was not that uncomfortable. Except for the whole waking up at 6:10 thing and my belly keeps reminding me that all I truly ate yesterday was some cajun trail mix dumped in a bag of organic spinach leftover from a Plant Physiology lab.

Ah the life of a college student.

So, yeah, while I was "studying OChem" with my eyes shut a realization came to me; Here I am free loading in the library when I could be free loading off of someone else. Someone else who would take me in and snuggle with me, make a simple breakfast, and drive me/ walk with me to campus in the morning. I don't like depending on someone to "take care of me" but man sometimes it is nice to have that to fall back on without having the assumption that I may be imposing on what otherwise would be someone else's much cozier lifestyle.

This person of desired cuddling affection currently does not exist (obviously), and I have discovered that I'm more cautious on who I allow myself to cuddle with. Platonic snuggling has almost all but become extinct from my life with the exception of a few circumstances. So if you see it as an equation:

AMOUNT OF SNUGGLING= PLATONIC (P) + AFFECTIONATE (A) squared, where P and A =0.

(Affectionate snuggling has an exponential amount more value than platonic cuddling does.)

Although I was committed to sleeping in the library I probably would have changed my mind before the question was over if someone had offered a bed and warm night of cuddling.

This is a prime example of why I separated this blog from the other. Seriously...I made up an equation for snuggling quantities.

Jack Kerouac

My dear,

I want to change the world with the right words. I want to confess my love to you with the right words. I want to nurture a life with the right words.

I have the right ideas but words are too...complicated. I need to simplify them, so that people won't get lost in the dark when they see and hear them. I want them to shine like beacons of light in a world of overly complicated darkness.

One day I will find the right words and they will be simple.

Truly yours,
Jean-Louis "Jack" Kerouac

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I don't think I could have read anything else that would have hit the nail on the head any more than that letter.

I also read something else via the stumbleupon website about the "hedgehog dilemma" or "porcupine dilemma" described by S. Freud and I forget the other psychologist. Basically, it is a dilemma pertaining to intimacy between people. Relating to hedgehogs and porcupines, when winter comes they desire to "snuggle" up next to each other in order to stay warm. But they cannot succeed in doing this without pricking the others with their quills. So they are forced to remain separated from each other.

Relating to us, we cannot have intimacy without also hurting one another on occasion. Sometimes this causes us to hold back, become introverted, and fear intimacy. This in turn makes our relationships weaker.

A heart's journey

I have lived the single/dating scene for quite a few years now. My views toward relationships and my future hopes to service abroad for a year or so after graduation has lead to a series of relationship look-a-likes over the past 3-4 years (they seem like I am in a committed relationship, but alas they never are and sometimes this is even unbeknownst to me). I am forever searching for someone to draw me in close while I simultaneously push away at each possibility.

The title of this blog is inspired by an R.W. Emerson quote I once read, "Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."

I like to think that by my choosing to abstain from "putting myself out there" for the dating world I am living up to Emerson's words by building and working on myself, and enjoying the lifestyle of independence. I also sometimes think that I have cursed myself to subconsciously sabotage my chances for love for what I believe, for the moment, is a greater good in my young, naive world.

I made this a separate blog from my Shaping Motivation one because I often like to type out my laments of being a single female who feels hopeless at succeeding in converting from the single lifestyle to a happy (real) relationship. Then other times I feel 100% confident that is has been one of the best things for me. Every now and then a guy comes along, my heart jumps and once again I am fighting the urge. Whatever the case is, I don't want my other blog to be filled with nonsensical heart laments of no importance.

Blogging is addicting.