Classic moves that still work

Flowers picked are far more cherished than flowers bought.

If picking a girl flowers ever goes out of style then I will take that as one of the first signs that love is out of shape and a tad overweight from all the chocolates. And probably the world is slowly sinking into dark matter.

The Thing With Love

When I use to be single, in and out of the dating scene but never really committing, I use to think it was better to go alone. Late in high school I made a plan sprung from passion and naivety that nothing, especially a boy, would prevent me from traveling after college to pursue some type of service work or explore. This plan allowed me to believe that I needed to emotionally detach myself from anyone that might have an inkling to pursue me. Obviously you can imagine I became sick of that every now and again. Looking back on each guy I have had some sort of connection with I see a different person in myself. I never allowed myself to be who I was, afraid of attachment and ultimately I feared that regret of leaving someone to travel would prevent me from living what I felt was meant for me.

So I went. Quite a few years. Camp introduced me to others who love to pack a bag and take off into the world for just a few days or several years. Slowly the possibility of someone out there that loved picking up and leaving as much as I did was out there. But I remained skeptical, and envied those who were updating with pictures of exotic creatures and stories of blurred cultural boundaries. I met Joel and Marianna, whom have been traveling the country and the world together with their two adopted sons for years. They are a love story that is riding the currents of a river; they flow together in whatever meandering direction they are lead.

I kept on. I secretly wondered if love would ever be around the next corner or adventure but always kicking myself for watching too many romantic comedies. One year, two years, three. It never did. Hopes flew away and I gripped tighter to my Thailand dreams of new species and conservation efforts. Science and nature are the only lovers a girl really needs. I drove myself deeper into books and self-exploration. It was a time in life that I will never regret happening. But at times, it was lonely.

You see, the thing with love is that it is always there. I know this now. It is always in us and waiting for the right person. I think sometimes I misunderstood and tried to love, but somewhere in me knew that it was never right. The thing with love, is that even if we are not it is patient.

When I first met him there weren't sparks or immediate witty banter that allowed us to stay up all night by the fire at the Red River Gorge that brisk, early fall evening. There were climbing jokes, conversations about farting, and promises of baked goods for finishing a can of beanie weanies. Nothing happened for a couple of months and I found myself feeling more and more like a dork in front of him in Geospatial lab as time passed. It was 3 months after meeting until our first "date" but we know through all of it Love had at last found that person that first weekend.

You see the thing with love is that when it becomes real you discover that that person does not take from your dreams but only makes them more fathomable. After school we are planning to move...to Southeast Asia. Knowing he will be with me and taking the same steps with me is far more comforting than I ever thought. I always said maybe I would find someone like this to go with me but shrugged my shoulders afterwards with doubt in regards to that reality.

This is something I would definitely urge any person to wait for. Each moment leaves me aching for another at the end of the day. I have learned his smiles and dreams, and finding myself wanting to be that reason he smiles and the prime supporter of his goals.

He is the sun that heats up the earth, the rain that cools the ground, the stars that guide the wanderer, the core that forms the landscape, and the breeze that carries the seeds and fallen leaves. We are the prose and love is our poetry.

I have to laugh at that last paragraph :)

"So Are You To Me"

As the music at the banquet
As the wine before the meal
As the firelight in the night
So are you to me

As the ruby in the setting
As the fruit upon the tree
As the wind blows over the plains
So are you to me

As the wind blows over the plains
So are you to me
So are you to me

-Peter Bradley Adams

I feel like a little train on big railroad tracks

The mind plays tricks. Silly how it does that.


Distance doesn't cause the heart to falter when it is right.


The last two statements aren't related.

3rd week marker

Okay...so yea, three weeks have gone by since I hugged Daniel goodbye, turned to watch him head off into his car, and listened to that leaf blower engine fade as he headed up camp road. I know when compared to people who do no see their spouses for a year or even two, three weeks is not that long.

But...it's still quite a large chunk of time.

AND...it's less than 25% of the way through.

I never foresaw myself having this issue, but I probably should add that this is a peak (probably one of a few I will have) of sitting in introverted dramatic agony just wanting to give him a hug.

Geesh I am such a girl.

Between the hand-written letters, occasional Skype talks, and random texts I have been doing fine. And will go back to doing fine. This is a release of emotion that has reached an apex.

Yeah...everything's good now.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

by William Butler Yeats

I am learning so much. And I can share what I learn with such a great person. I feel like "great" is a term I use when I just have no better adjective to use, or creative explanation. He left for a summer job this morning and the next time we see each other will be in August. He is not hours upon hours away but he is in the woods for several weeks at a time. So I am to carry on with my summer and all its adventures, anxiously awaiting Fall but not to miss out on all the wonders of each day.

Bah. Here is another poem:

As stars begin to reflect in your eyes

Like they would if in a placid pond sheltered by alpine forest,

But we are only in a park underneath an efflorescing birch.

And as the sun slumbers beneath mountain silhouettes

My hear pushes on into the dusk, seeking for exploration.

It beats heavily with questions.

Tonight moonbeams rest in your hair.

I blanket you with my body, and

Notice how your eyes acutely connect with mine

As if they depended on them for breath, for life.

I feel as though we have intertwined and have become interconnected.

We are an intricate ecosystem,

Relying on one force and energy to provide for the other.

A query approaches which my hearts finds new

Its explorations have not taken it here

Since the world was much simpler with adolescence.

When it seemed one-dimensional

As if I could draw the pieces of my life on a sheet of paper.

My heart became saturated with questions on love.

Does it come together from pieces placed over time?

Or is it a single entity; always there and only trying to break through the surface

As a new shoot once it is strong enough to directly connect with the sun’s rays

Is love like a mellow breeze sweeping through blossoming magnolias

While the sun’s kiss on my neck lures my soul

Into a tranquil elation for the majesty of the earth.

Is being enamored like the incessant conversations of a brook,

Always bubbling whispers and new stories each day.

Can I hear love the way I do a songbird’s voice in early morning?

Is it as tangible as petals on my skin,

Or raindrops permeating my hair?

Or is love set apart from the rest of its kind?

An owl and be termed an owl but no two are the same

There is only one kind of love shared between two.

And if love is whatever we can shape it to be,

Then I want ours to instill doubt in others regarding their love,

That it is not as tuned and equally shared as ours.

Does love form as rocks do?

The eldest sages of the earth,

Perfect and molded by weathering.

They have stood against pressures of change and time.

When is the right moment to tell someone you love him.

To say I am unsure about many things

But this is the one question I can answer:

That I need you, I desire you, and when I look into your eyes

I don’t only see reflections of stars

But a future that lasts as long as you will keep me.

Lightbulb turned on

So I feel that this blog has now become completely arbitrary. I began it as a way to bleed out all of the complaints of living single and to be bitter toward the dooming choices I had made. I thought that I was cut off from a romantic lifestyle, one that would actually lead to a meaningful friendship and relationship with a guy. I had thrown myself into an endless portal of beginning and abrupt ends. Life to me wasn't about being with someone else; in a lot of ways it still isn't about that. Life is about shaping yourself as a person that you can be proud of; something that I strongly feel you need to be single and individualistic for a while to discover. A person that loves, one that grows, one that seeks knowledge and wisdom, etc. From my experiences over the past 4 years all I knew another person with a huge role in my life would do is try to convince me to reconsider me dreams or deter my passions. Not saying every guy I dated did this, but several men in my life had. And so it twer that I began this blog to keep me in check. But soon after I created this I hopped onto a path that I had not been down in a long, long time. I was not sure at first if I wanted to be on that road, and in the back of my mind I just assumed it was going to be like all of the other experiences. But he has proved to be far from the other ones. The overshadow of his graduation creeped beneath every conversation. Distance is not a new thing for me, and so I expected that as soon as it was addressed we would make the decision to, "Yeah, let's keep in touch," but that would be as far as it would go. With everything else about this one, that's not how our conversation went at all. I see a difference in this guy so vivid and so clear that I feel like a fool for convincing myself that in other guys. Respect and appreciation comes easy toward him. I don't have to constantly remind myself to be open, or to relax because it just comes natural. Happiness with him comes naturally and carries over into other areas of my life. It is new for me, to allow someone to be this much a part of my life, but it hasn't been a difficult transition in one bit. And so, for the first time in years, I have a boyfriend. This blog just took a whole new turn.

A lot of little walls can make one very huge wall

I get nervous
I get scared
I say stupid things like, "delectable treat"
I begin to doubt everything, even common knowledge becomes blurry such as spiders aren't insects but belong in the different class of arachnids...
I don't know how to act in public
The sky turns green and the grass pale blue
I wear my emotions on my sleeve and am always frantically struggling to find a way to cover them up
I resist being swept by a current
I don't catch on to hints or cues of any kind
I'm a bit old fashioned
I'm shy and I'm reserved
The right thing doesn't ever really exit my mouth, nor do clever things...or sensible
I'm self-conscious
I'm dorky and kind of weird
My mind wanders
Communication means allowing myself to be vulnerable
It rains when the sun is shining
And is sunny while it is cloudy
I rely too much on logic, and logic here has no cubby for me to place my things
I leap over one of these hurdles and crash over the next one. I was never very into track & field as a sport.
I can love a whole lot, I just haven't had the chance to in a long time

It's time to start crossing these out one-bye-one whether it be proactively or apathy toward them in the form of caring very much this time. That may have not made sense to you, but it does for me. And this is my blog so I get to say what I waunt!

Oh, my darlin' valentine

I feel like Valentine's Day is one of those pseudo-holidays that is just begging to be ripped on year after year. I mean, it's not really a holiday. It just allows people to buy candy and over-priced dozens of flowers for each other while spilling out how they think they feel to one another over a candlelit dinner. If you REALLY felt and meant these things, then you wouldn't need Valentine's Day to confess and display these affections. To those of you who truly are in love, and never take advantage of each other, who find the simple and creative ways everyday to say, "I deeply care about you," the next few sentences are not for you.

Never was a fan of Valentine's Day and I know about 39% of Americans (all my statistics are REAL so don't question them!) who would agree. My last "celebrated" Valentine's Day was 3 years ago and the year before that I was dumped about a week later after reading phrases like, "Love you more each time I look at you." There should be a right of passage in order to acknowledge Valentine's Day in relationships. For example, you should be married or engaged. Have a child or two together. Agree to only give each other candy. I want to iterate this pessimism is not intended for true love, which I do believe in.

Yes, please do something special for each other. Celebrate your unrestricted and overt love for each other! But don't abuse the opportunity. I think that is where my rage against the machine of popping out thousands of Hallmark cards primarily resides. It comes from a place of historical heartache and it is something that I hate seeing happen to others each year.

As a girl, we're not asking for a facade of endearment. Maybe just a little recognition for, "Why me?" For all the girls we see as prettier, more intelligent, more funny, less crazy, etc...why am I the one (even for this ephemeral time in our lives) you chose this moment with?

Don't abuse love!!

To my non-existent audience of readers, here are a few suggested ideas for non-cliche acts of affection (Caution: don't use these if you don't really mean them!):
*plant a flower seed for her, or with her, create your own garden together
*lots and lots of candy and baked goods (baked together) that is eaten within a 4-hour time span (milk suggested)
*by the fire snuggling and silly games (not meant for a make-out session!)
*hiking, sunrise, sunset (anything with a natural beauty to it)
*play with a puppy from the Humane Society together

Be completely together.

Can't a girl just get a little bit of cuddling?

It may be a little early to be lamenting but I woke up this morning at 6:10 AM to the very sweet janitor vacuuming the 3rd floor of the library where I had pushed three chairs together to create a bed last night. I started off with my Organic Chem book open to make it seem like I had fallen asleep while being studious, but in actuality I was just free loading and too lazy to go back to my apartment just for the act of falling asleep, waking up, and coming right back. At some point in the night I gave up on the facade of dedicated student, ditched the book, and curled up in a little ball. It was much better.

It really was not that uncomfortable. Except for the whole waking up at 6:10 thing and my belly keeps reminding me that all I truly ate yesterday was some cajun trail mix dumped in a bag of organic spinach leftover from a Plant Physiology lab.

Ah the life of a college student.

So, yeah, while I was "studying OChem" with my eyes shut a realization came to me; Here I am free loading in the library when I could be free loading off of someone else. Someone else who would take me in and snuggle with me, make a simple breakfast, and drive me/ walk with me to campus in the morning. I don't like depending on someone to "take care of me" but man sometimes it is nice to have that to fall back on without having the assumption that I may be imposing on what otherwise would be someone else's much cozier lifestyle.

This person of desired cuddling affection currently does not exist (obviously), and I have discovered that I'm more cautious on who I allow myself to cuddle with. Platonic snuggling has almost all but become extinct from my life with the exception of a few circumstances. So if you see it as an equation:

AMOUNT OF SNUGGLING= PLATONIC (P) + AFFECTIONATE (A) squared, where P and A =0.

(Affectionate snuggling has an exponential amount more value than platonic cuddling does.)

Although I was committed to sleeping in the library I probably would have changed my mind before the question was over if someone had offered a bed and warm night of cuddling.

This is a prime example of why I separated this blog from the other. Seriously...I made up an equation for snuggling quantities.

Jack Kerouac

My dear,

I want to change the world with the right words. I want to confess my love to you with the right words. I want to nurture a life with the right words.

I have the right ideas but words are too...complicated. I need to simplify them, so that people won't get lost in the dark when they see and hear them. I want them to shine like beacons of light in a world of overly complicated darkness.

One day I will find the right words and they will be simple.

Truly yours,
Jean-Louis "Jack" Kerouac

---------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think I could have read anything else that would have hit the nail on the head any more than that letter.

I also read something else via the stumbleupon website about the "hedgehog dilemma" or "porcupine dilemma" described by S. Freud and I forget the other psychologist. Basically, it is a dilemma pertaining to intimacy between people. Relating to hedgehogs and porcupines, when winter comes they desire to "snuggle" up next to each other in order to stay warm. But they cannot succeed in doing this without pricking the others with their quills. So they are forced to remain separated from each other.

Relating to us, we cannot have intimacy without also hurting one another on occasion. Sometimes this causes us to hold back, become introverted, and fear intimacy. This in turn makes our relationships weaker.

A heart's journey

I have lived the single/dating scene for quite a few years now. My views toward relationships and my future hopes to service abroad for a year or so after graduation has lead to a series of relationship look-a-likes over the past 3-4 years (they seem like I am in a committed relationship, but alas they never are and sometimes this is even unbeknownst to me). I am forever searching for someone to draw me in close while I simultaneously push away at each possibility.

The title of this blog is inspired by an R.W. Emerson quote I once read, "Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."

I like to think that by my choosing to abstain from "putting myself out there" for the dating world I am living up to Emerson's words by building and working on myself, and enjoying the lifestyle of independence. I also sometimes think that I have cursed myself to subconsciously sabotage my chances for love for what I believe, for the moment, is a greater good in my young, naive world.

I made this a separate blog from my Shaping Motivation one because I often like to type out my laments of being a single female who feels hopeless at succeeding in converting from the single lifestyle to a happy (real) relationship. Then other times I feel 100% confident that is has been one of the best things for me. Every now and then a guy comes along, my heart jumps and once again I am fighting the urge. Whatever the case is, I don't want my other blog to be filled with nonsensical heart laments of no importance.

Blogging is addicting.